"I Played Terrible." (What To Say Next)

Hello everyone, Hector here…

"I played terrible."

If you have a kid that plays soccer, you've heard that sentence in the car. Head down, arms crossed, looking out the window. And you're sitting there with your hands on the steering wheel thinking…what do I say right now?

Sometimes they really did have a bad game. Sometimes they didn't, and they just believe they did. And here's the thing…in that moment, it doesn't matter which one it is.

I'm not a parent. But in 8 years of MAGIS I've had thousands of conversations with parents, and this is one of the questions I get the most. And I was that kid too…the one that only remembered the 2 bad touches and deleted everything else. So let me share what I've learned, from both sides.

So…was it actually a bad game?

This is the part I want you to really sit with, because it changes everything about what you say in the car.

Most of the time, when a kid says "I played terrible", what they actually mean is "we lost", or "I missed a chance", or "I lost the ball twice in front of everybody". They are grading the RESULT.

But results are not what makes a bad game. I've watched kids play the game of their lives and lose 4-0. And I've watched kids score 2 goals and have a terrible game, because after the first mistake they put their head down, stopped moving, and checked out for 20 minutes.

Let me tell you about a player I coached a few years ago. Amazing player, impressive work ethic, hungry to get better every day. But one morning she was not playing like herself, so while we were walking, I asked her what was going on. She told me she gets frustrated when things don't go her way.

That's when I saw it. Every time she made a mistake, she got mad at herself…and her level dropped a little bit. Then she made another mistake because she was still thinking about the first one…and got even madder…and it dropped more. By the end of the session, the mistakes were not the problem anymore. The anger was.

The mistake never ruins the game. What happens in the 10 seconds after the mistake is what ruins the game.

So there are really only two things that make a bad game: not giving everything, and giving up on the next play after a mistake. That's it. Everything else is just soccer. And the good news for your kid? Both of those things are 100% in their control next weekend.

Which brings me to the key to this whole post, and if you only remember one thing, remember this: praise the effort, not the result. Completely. If the only thing that gets a reaction out of you is goals, wins, and minutes, then results become their identity…and results are exactly the thing they can't control. But if what gets you excited is the effort, the extra run, the way they responded after the mistake…then THAT becomes who they are. And that they can control every single weekend.

What to actually do (in order)

1. In the car…nothing. Not coaching, not fixing, and not cheering them up either. "I love watching you play" and then quiet. Put music on. If they talk, listen. If they don't, let them. I know it's hard when your kid is hurting 2 feet away from you…but the sting is useful. It means they care. A kid that doesn't care about a bad game is a much bigger problem than a kid that does.

2. Don't fight the feeling with facts. When you tell a kid that's hurting, "no, you played great!", they either think you weren't really watching, or they think you'll say anything to make them feel better. Either way, your words lose value…and you NEED your words to have value. Try "that was a hard one" instead. You're not agreeing they were terrible. You're just letting them know you're on their side of the car.

3. When they're ready…ask the two questions. Not in the parking lot. At dinner, at bedtime, tomorrow. They'll open the window, and when they do: "Did you give everything?" and "After the mistake…what did you do next?" That's it. Those are the only two things they control, so those are the only two things worth talking about. And be careful here…if they say "I got mad at myself and stopped running", that is not a bad answer. That's the lesson finding itself. Don't ruin it with a speech.

4. Go over the moon for the effort…and be honest about the rest. If they gave everything and stayed in the game after the mistakes…tell them the truth: that was NOT a bad game, even if it felt like one, and even if the score says otherwise. Celebrate it like they scored a hat trick. Not the result…the effort. And if they didn't give everything…tell them that too. Gently. Kids can handle the truth from somebody who loves them. What they can't handle is not knowing which version of you they're going to get.

And if you've been reading these for a while, you already know the question that comes after all of that…"So, what are you going to do about it?" But that one only works after steps 1 through 4. In the parking lot, it's a lecture. The next day, it's a gift.

To you, the parent: you don't need to know soccer for any of this. Sometimes they just need you there with a big smile and praising the effort. And sometimes they need you to ask, "Did you give everything?" and actually wait for the real answer. You'll know which one it is. You know your kid better than any coach ever will.

And to you, the kid, if this is getting read out loud at your house right now: being upset after a game means you care, and I would never take that away from you. But hear me…the game is not over when you make a mistake. The game is over when YOU decide it is. Conscious breathing. Chest up, head up. Next play. That is a skill, and you can train it like your left foot.

Always More,

Hector